I've coached my kids' teams and I've sat in a lot of bleachers. Here's the hardest lesson I've learned as a sports dad: the car ride after the game is never the time to coach.
If you're searching for what to say to your kid after a bad game, the honest answer is: less than you think.
They already know
Your kid knows about the 0-for-3. The missed catch. The missed buzzer beater. They know exactly how it feels. In that moment, they don't need "maybe you need to work harder" or "you should have played harder." They need an ear that listens.
There's a time to coach your kids, if you know what you're talking about. But not in the car on the way home.
Say this instead
"I love watching you play."
Then be quiet and let them talk, if they want to.Love your kids by listening, supporting and affirming. That's a connection deposit.
When it's the whole season
Sometimes it isn't one bad game. My son Blake, who's 14, recently played on a baseball team and didn't have the best experience. His coach managed a certain way that frustrated him. How the coach did it isn't the point. My job was to walk him through it.
Here's what I did:
- Validate. "I can see how that would make you feel this way. I'd be frustrated too."
- Find the positives. I had him tell me a few. "I get to play with my friends." "When I hit that double into the gap." "That grandma and grandpa would come to watch."
- Zoom out. Life is full of moments like that season, and our perspective about it is everything. We can only control what we can control: our energy and our effort.
Moments like that are connection deposit overload. They build a closeness and a trust that lasts. Try it, dads. Be vulnerable.
Start at the next game
After the next game, win or lose, say "I love watching you play," and then let them run the conversation. Or the music.
Free for busy dads: The Busy Dad's Bonding Cheat Sheet. Real ways to connect with your son or daughter in 1 minute, 10 to 20 minutes or 1 hour. Three pages. Grab it and pick one idea for tonight.
If you've got teens in sports, The Distracted Dad: Guide to Teens goes deeper on leaning in when they pull away. You can find all five Distracted Dad guides at stan.store/gabetrevizo, $24.99 each, or the Complete Collection for $79.99.
Presence is the best present. — Gabe
