I have four kids: Bronson (16), Blake (14), Violet (10) and Wyatt (8). If you have more than one, you know the feeling. Somebody always needs a ride, a meal or a referee. Days go by and you realize you haven't had a real conversation with one of them.
If you're searching for how to give one-on-one time to each child, here's what's worked in our home.
Every kid has their own account
Every kid has their own Connection Account with you. It works like a bank account, deposits and withdrawals, but the currency is connection. Not one family account. One per kid.
Family time matters. We do High/Low around the dinner table. We camp in the RV, play cornhole and tell stories around the fire. Those are deposits into every account at once. But each kid also needs to know they have you, just them.
Do what THEY love, not what you love
Bronson was very into Legos and dinosaurs when he was little. Things I wasn't really into. But I made them important to me because they were important to him.
One of the biggest things we can do as dads is be excited about what our kids are interested in, not what we want them to be interested in. That looks different for every kid. Which is exactly the point.
What one-on-one looks like in our house
Bronson. When he was twelve, he shot his first deer in the Kaibab, a well-known hunting area in Arizona. When I was twelve, I shot my first deer in the Kaibab too. Same woods, same age. I'll remember that forever.
Blake. For his 14th birthday, he wanted to fish the Salt River. Money was a bit tight and I could have been working. My flesh was torn. I took him fishing. Memories with my kids will always outweigh my earnings.
Violet. For years it was Barbies every Saturday and Sunday. Now it's coffee dates and ice cream, and the conversations go a lot deeper. For her tenth birthday she wanted to spend the morning fishing, just me and her at a community pond. We talked about growing up and what she looks forward to most.
Wyatt. The first time I took him dove hunting, he was five. He didn't get to shoot. He was our bird dog, chasing down the birds and bringing them back. Some days one-on-one with Wyatt is just a game of catch in the backyard.
Four kids. Four very different kinds of time.
It doesn't have to be a trip
Not every dad has a flexible schedule. That's ok. Most of my one-on-one time isn't a hunting trip. It's small and it's nightly.
- Bedtime. Bunny comes to life for Violet every night. With the older boys, I sit in the rocking chair in their room. Sometimes a long conversation happens. Sometimes it's quiet, and I say goodnight.
- The car. Let your teen run the music. Just sit and listen.
- Chores. When one of them says "Daddy, can we..." in the middle of a chore, invite them in. "I'd love to, but right now I'm cleaning the pool. Want to help? When I'm done, we can play catch."
- The 20-minute timer. Set it. Phone down. Give that one kid 20 of your best minutes.
You're not doing it alone
My wife, Cindy, is my partner. She has my back and I have hers. Our kids have special, unique relationships with each of us, and in certain seasons each kid needs each of us differently. Talk with your wife about which kid needs what right now.
Start this week
Write down each kid's name. Next to it, write one thing they love. Then give each one a block of time this week, just them and you, doing that thing. Phone in another room.
That's a deposit into every account. One kid at a time.
Free for busy dads: The Busy Dad's Bonding Cheat Sheet. Real ways to connect with your son or daughter in 1 minute, 10 to 20 minutes or 1 hour. Three pages. Grab it and pick one idea for tonight.
The Connection Account and the everyday deposits behind it are the heart of The Distracted Dad: The Foundation. You can find all five Distracted Dad guides at stan.store/gabetrevizo, $24.99 each, or the Complete Collection for $79.99.
Presence is the best present. — Gabe
