I've said it a hundred times in our house: presence is the best present. But I want to be honest about what presence actually means, because most of us think we've got it covered when we don't.
You can be home every night and still not be present. You can be at the game and still be on your phone. My daughter, Violet, taught me this better than anyone. She's 10, and with her it's never just "is dad here?" It's: Is daddy listening? Is he really hearing me? He might not have his phone on him, but is his mind somewhere else? Is he all there?
If you're searching for how to be present with your kids, here's what has worked in our home with four of them: Bronson (16), Blake (14), Violet (10) and Wyatt (8).
Start with the Connection Account
Every kid has their own account with you. It works like a bank account, with deposits and withdrawals. But the currency isn't money. The currency is connection.
Being present is how you make deposits. Checking out is how you make withdrawals. That's really the whole game. Not one big trip a year. Small deposits, over and over.
Put the phone down, on purpose
The biggest thing for men these days: business is on our phone. Mine too. I run multiple companies. But if we're always on our phone, we're not present. And if we're always looking at our phone, our kids are looking at us, and they know exactly what is important to us.
Don't wait until you feel like it. Pick set times where the phone goes away. Dinner is the easiest place to start.
Use a 20-minute timer
Here's a trick I came up with for playing with Violet when I honestly didn't want to. My team was on, I wanted to check out in front of the TV, and she wanted Barbies. So I'd set a phone timer for 20 minutes, put the phone down, and play fully committed. When it buzzed, I knew I'd given her 20 of my best minutes.
Even a busy Saturday has 20 minutes in it. Twenty fully present minutes beat two distracted hours.
Do what they love, not what you love
When Bronson was little he was into Legos and dinosaurs. I wasn't. But I made it important to me because it was important to him. One of the biggest things we can do as dads is get excited about what THEY are interested in, not what we want them to be interested in.
That's presence too. It tells your kid you care about the person they actually are.
Use your free time well
Not every dad has a flexible schedule. That's ok. You don't need one to be a great dad. But everyone has free time. Great dads connect during that free time. They don't retreat or check out, no matter how tired. I'm not saying that to shame you. I'm saying it to challenge you.
Start tonight
Pick one thing: phone in a drawer at dinner, a 20-minute timer with your youngest, or ten minutes doing whatever your kid is into right now. Then do it again tomorrow.
Free for busy dads: The Busy Dad's Bonding Cheat Sheet. Real ways to connect with your son or daughter in 1 minute, 10 to 20 minutes or 1 hour. Three pages. Grab it and pick one idea for tonight.
If you want the full playbook, start with The Distracted Dad: The Foundation. It's built around the Connection Account. You can find all five Distracted Dad guides at stan.store/gabetrevizo, $24.99 each, or the Complete Collection for $79.99.
Presence is the best present. — Gabe
